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*One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?" The

other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."

-------------------------------------------------------

what do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well Hung

----------------------------

What do you call the useless piece of skin around the vagina called?

A woman

-------------------------------

*A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at

her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

*Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees

the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes,

trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their

lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and

were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a

plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My partner was a good fisherman, so

I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My partner was such a good lover, I

think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can

tear my ass up just one more time."

------------------------------------------------------------

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old

dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that

Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".

The old woman fainted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was

increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal

hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After

being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news

is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for at this point. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was at last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit.

Maybe that will cheer me up. He entered the shop and told the salesman,

"I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.. size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman.

Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in

the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for

a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's

see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 inch neck."

Joe once again was surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly. Joe tried on

the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror,

the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right. How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably

around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?"

Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said,"Let's see ... 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous.

"That's right. man, how can you tell all of this?" "It's my job," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great,

when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure ..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No you can't wear a size 34. It would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

hell of a headache."

------------------------------------------------------

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the

highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that

was thrown clear and says "Cover your #&*@ with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

--------------------------------------

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The

driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me." The driver said he'd stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint.

When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the

bus and saw a little old baldheaded man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."

----------------------------------

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all

of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the

distance. He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that

harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through

the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the

sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away. So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong. She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow the seamen."

------------------------------------

Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?

A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small

house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you lay finger on my daughter, I will inflict three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old. He

entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man. She couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during the night he could bear it no longer. He sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old guy can do, I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did, he noticed another note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

-----------------------------------------------------

Top ten reasons hockey is BETTER than SEX...

10. You go in 1-2 minute shifts

9. The puck is ALWAYS hard

8. The protective equipment is reusable

7. It lasts a full hour

6. You know you are finished when the buzzer sounds

5. Your parents cheer when you score

4. A 2 on 1 or 3 on 1 is not uncommon

3. It is legal to play professionally

2. You can count on it a least twice a week

1. Periods last only 20 minutes

--------------------------------------------------

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the

nightwith her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he

told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he

would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,

calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised,

deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.

So, he had his secretary send acheck for

$250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent

of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because

when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at

home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied,

that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check

for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the

heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding

the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if

you don't have enough furniture to fill it,

please don't blame the landlady!

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. They went to the doctor and

he told them that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He told the

man to do it doggie fashion.

The man said, "What is that?"

The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."

The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."

The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two and she will lose all

inhibition."

Some while later the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage. "I see it

worked!" the doctor said.

"Yes it did Doc, but the problem is...my wife is now an alcoholic!"

"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.

"Well, every time we did it...it took seven or eight drinks just to get her

out into the front yard."

---------------------------------------------------------

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to

the street, a seasoned veteran wanted to hear the details.

She said, "He was a big, muscular and handsome sailor."

"What did he want to do?" the vet asked.

"I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally, I said, 'Well how much do you have?' He said that he only had $25. I told him that for $25, all I could do is service him by hand. He agreed and, after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand."

"Oh my God," the vet exclaimed, "it must have been huge! What did you do?"

"I loaned him 75 bucks."

This guy has this crush on this girl at his work. He is dying to ask

her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest

erection ever.

There is nothing he can do to control it. It just happens. After some

time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he

won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking

her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie Mr. Happy

to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll

never notice it.

He gets to her house. Knocks on her door.

She answers the door in her bathrobe and he kicks her in the face.

Three women got together; the grandmother, the mother, & the daughter. All 3 were prostitutes in their 20s, the daughter still being involved in the practice.

The daughter and mother were in a discussion, complaining about the life of a prostitute.

"I Can't believe it!"; the daughter yells.

"What's that?"; replies the mother.

" I gave this man one hell of a blow job and all I got was a lousy $20."

"That's nothing";replied the mother;" Back when I was your age, I got only $5 for a blow job"

The grandmother, over-listening their conversation, came into the room.

"I can't believe you two";said the grandmother;" You think you two have it bad- Back in my day during the Great Depression I had to give a Blow Job just to keep my stomach warm!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks," What's the deal with the horse at the end of the bar?"

The bartender replies," The sign says if you can make the horse laugh You'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried today and no-one has been able to do it."

"Get out the money"; says the man;" I'll be right back".

So the man walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.

"That's amazing";said the bartender;" Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double you're winnings."

So the man walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a 6 month old child.

"I don't believe it"; replied the astonished bartender.

"Here's your money. But tell me, how did you make the horse laugh and cry like that so quickly?"

"Well"; replied the man;" First I told him a had a bigger dick than he did. The second time I showed him."

-------------------------------------------------------

One day a women was baking a cake for her family when she accidently spilled a carton of BBs into the cake batter that her son set on the upper shelf.

"Oops"; said the wife;" Oh well, that's okay", and she finished baking the cake.

That evening her whole family had the cake for dessert and no-one mentioned a thing.

Later on though, her husband came to her and said;" Honey. I just came from the bathroom and I'm pissing BBs."

"That' alright. That's okay. It'll flush out of you're system"; she replied.

And the husband went back in the living room.

A half-hour later, the daughter ran to the kitchen yelling;"MaMa!MaMa! I'm pissing BBs!"

"That's alright. That's okay. I'll flush out of you're system."; she again replied, and after some soothing words, the daughter returned to playing.

Later that evening, the son ran down the hallway towards the Mother yelling;"Mom! Mom!"

"I know dear";replied the mother;" You're pissing BBs."

"No"; replied the son;" I was jacking off and I shot the Dog!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their

wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.

Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten

spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a

molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot

afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an

exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a

comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.

---------------------------------------------

Four married guys go golfing. At the 4th hole the first guy says, "You

have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy says, "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I

would remodel the kitchen for her."

They're approaching the green when they realize that the fourth guy hasn't said a word. So the first guy says, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy says, "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she just says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The biker took a swig from his beer and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go f*ck herself."

------------------------------------------------------------

Some Gangsters think of robbing a bank. They think of the best plan

that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able

to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes.

They open the first safe and the only thing they find in there is a

vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says " OK! At least we can eat

it." So hey eat the pudding.

They open up the second Safe and there stays another pudding. So they

devoured it too. This process goes on for the rest of the day until

all the safes were opened. There was no money nor jewelry. "Well,"

they say, "at least there is something for us to eat".

The Next day, on the news they heard: "Yesterday the biggest sperm

bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.

------------------------------------------------------

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

------------------------------------------------------

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to

sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems",

Linda told her friend. "That`s amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom

and I. We`re thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh,

we could never do that! We`d be too embarrassed!", responded Mary.

"But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how

did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn`t be

better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and

afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us

to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes

and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the

grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my privates,

John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his

privates with, I had to eat.

Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it`s better than it`s ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with

the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the

doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I`m afraid there is

nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained,

"you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a

suggestion for us! Please, please, can`t you give us some help? Any

help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop

at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of

cheerios..."

--------------------------------------------------

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office.

The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had

finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with

the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00 .

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would

make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor

and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain,

just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out

anything. She is married and we can't go to her house.

I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton

Hotel charges $52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $37.00.

We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from from

insurance company for a visit to the doctors office.

------------------------------------------------

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house

this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down

the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire,

this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He

comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole

mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the

same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck

tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes

back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe

his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up

tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the

kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

----------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his

teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one

with your gun how many would be left."

"None," replied Johnny, "`cause the rest would fly away."

"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way

you`re thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were

three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her

cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the

cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the

cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her

finger, but I like the way you`re thinking.

---------------------------------------------------------

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber

is foaming him up, the man mentions a problem he has getting

a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small

wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between

your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth

and proceeds to get the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And

what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just

bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

-----------------------------------------

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two hookers were

walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), "Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don't we take off our panties so's we be cool" Eloise says, "Oh, I don't know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed". So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary

Jane says, "Eloise, honey, I just can't stand this heat. We jess got's

to take off our panties so's we be cool"? And Eloise says, "Mary Jane , I juss can't, I'd be too embarrassed". So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her

navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, "Eloise, honey, look up there on the porch of that house. Jess look at that. I'll bet she be cool." And Mary Jane says, "Less

go axe her." So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise

says, "Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc'h of dis house, what with yo skirt

hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon..... tell us... is you

cool"?

And the woman says,

"HONEY CHILD... I DON'T NO NUFFIN A BOUTS BEING COOL, BUT IT SHO DO

KEEPS THE FLIES OFF MY WATERMELON"!

--------------------------------------------

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in the bed, about ready

to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

"I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous, and handsome. I can see why you went to bed

with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get

done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and

get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that," replies the wife.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love

with his new wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and

goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm still hungry so I was going to get room

service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to

his wife one more time. When they finish he's beat. He

drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

"Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A young lady had unwantedly become pregnant and wanted

an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed

she could not and when told so by her doctor she broke

down and cried. "I can't have a baby now," she said, "There

must be something you can do!" The doctor thought about

this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea:

"There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an

appendix operation when you give birth, and we'll just give

her the baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."

The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was

giving birth there were no women in for appendix operation

in the hospital, in fact the only person who was was an old

priest. The doctor, desperately realizing the gravity of the

situation and his promise, figured he might as well try

anyway.

The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an

immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years

passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest

was getting old, and finally he he called his son to his

deathbed.

"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am

not your father." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest

went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father."

----------------------------------------------------

The top 10 things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't...

10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."

9. "Whew...now that's one terrific spread!"

8. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!"

7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated, and it takes 15 men to hold her

down."

3. "It's cool whip time!"

2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I'm going to burst!"

..and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving, but

isn't...

1. "It must be broken, 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts

out!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor Visit

An old man had a doctor's appointment and as he was a little on the deaf

side, his wife had to go with him to make sure she knew what was going on

and also to explain to her husband in case he didn't hear the doctor.

"Okay," said the doctor, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a

sperm sample."

The old man didn't hear the doctor, so he turned to his wife and yelled,

"What does he want?"

The old lady yelled back to her husband, "He wants you to leave your

underpants here."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched

her on her butt and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought and replied with

silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by

the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed

this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother."

---------------------------------------------

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty

communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on

the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and

then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you

shouldn't bet."

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{ O }{ O } D cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the

lobby of a retirement home.

Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars,

I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars,

I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you

to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion

you'll never forget."

Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her

purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

Mr. Steinberg says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"

Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7.

Look at the size of his putter

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a

bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to

be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but

isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But

Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good.

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but

isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office

But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the

office but isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits

there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to

hold the club like you hold your husband's organ." She takes the club and

hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway.

Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for

distance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A new use for Viagra

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the

pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex

anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far

enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

---------------------------------------------------

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak.

She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused.

He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

*******************************************

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the

other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I

tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a

red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto,

Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I said, 'No shit.'"

-----------------------------------

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at

the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into

his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since

he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood

in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager

decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his

secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the

blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it

around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I

know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom

door off a tuna boat!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man in his 80's is walking down the street when suddenly

he sees his high school sweetheart walking toward him.

Naturally, they begin talking and find out that both of

their spouses are passed away. One thing leads to another

and they decide to go to a motel to do the piggly wiggly.

As they are sitting on the edge of the bed, the man has his

former sweetheart completely undressed when he says, "I'll

be right back, I need to go to the bathroom." He sets his

glasses on the nightstand and off he goes.

The lady is thinking to herself, "Gee, it's been a while

since I've done this, maybe I'd better loosen up a little."

So she lays lengthwise on the bed and begins rocking back

and forth. Harder and harder until suddenly her feet go

over her head and become stuck in the headboard. There she

is, stuck butt-naked with her feet over her head.

About this time the old man comes out of the bathroom, sees

her in this rather awkward position and says, "For God's

sake, Mabel, comb your hair and put in your teeth. You're

starting to look just like your mother."

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed

> that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirtpocket.

> It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

> However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he

> also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

> I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a

> spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I

> asked: "Why the spoon?"

> "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen

> Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

> After

> several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers

> drop their

> spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop

> frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel

> is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of

> trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

> As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.

> Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his

> pocket and

> said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of

> making

> an extra trip to get it right now."

> I was rather impressed; the waiter continued taking our order and while

> my guests ordered I continued to look around. I then noticed that there

> was

> a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I

> noticed

> that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flys.

>

> My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the

> waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right

> there?"

> "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as

> observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that

> we can save time in the restroom."

> "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of

> ...you know...

> we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way

> eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the

> restroom by 76.39%"

> "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how

> do you put it back in?"

> "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know

> about the others, but I use the spoon."

Planned Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and

decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents

to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a

mother or father.

1.Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a

beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9

months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the

contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help

himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid

directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for

the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are

already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack

of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed

their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve

their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and

overall behavior. Enjoy it-it'll be the last time in your life that you

will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room

from 5 pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs.

At 10 pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1

am. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at

2 am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3 am when

the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Put the alarm on

for 5 am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look

cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut

butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind

the stereo and leave it there all summer long. Stick your fingers in the

flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with

crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an

octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag

so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn

it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and

a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas candle. Last, take a milk

container, a ping pong ball, and an empty package of Cocoa Pops and make

an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just

qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it

out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like

that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove

compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette

player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down

the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.

Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out

the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk

down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very

slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every

cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect

along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you

can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go

back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small

child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat

everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say

at least five times. Always repeat everything you say at least five

times. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you

can find to a pre-school child-a fully grown goat is excellent. If you

intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your

week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for

everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish

this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from

the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy

Wheeties and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to

be an airplane. Continue until half the Wheeties are gone. Tip the rest

into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are

now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame

Street and The Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing Barney's

theme song, "I love you, you love me..." at work, you finally qualify as

a parent.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak.

She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused.

He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

****************************************************************************************************************

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Men are like.....Placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.

Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

36 WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS NOT-TOO-BRIGHT:

1. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

4. A few clowns short of a circus.

5. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

6. A few cans short of a six-pack.

7. Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box.

8. The cheese slid off his cracker.

9. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

10. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

11. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

12. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions

printed on the heel.

13. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on

the way down.

14. One taco short of a combination plate.

15. All foam, no beer.

16. As smart as bait.

17. Chimney's clogged.

18. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

19. Forgot to pay his brain bill.

20. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

21. Receiver is off the hook

22. Skylight leaks a little

23. Slinky's kinked.

24. Surfing in Nebraska.

25. Too much yardage between the goalposts.

26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

28. A room temperature IQ.

29. Bright as Alaska in December.

30. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train

isn't anywhere in sight.

31. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered

twice a week.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he

just gargled.

33. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

35. If he had another brain it would be lonely.

36. Sharp as a marble.

[The Dogg-Bert, having been silent for a while, writes:]

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.

Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as

they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a

suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the

first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I

thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check, bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy

and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

The Top Little Known GM Labor Union Requests

> Summers off with pay, like the schoolteachers get.

> 10% discount at local Honda dealer.

> Bidets in the men's room. Hey, even manly men like to be

fresh and clean!

> Mahogany stir sticks for the gin & tonic dispenser.

> Worker's comp for really wicked hangovers.

> Second cookie and glass of milk before nap time.

> Each line worker allowed 3 random acts of sabotage annually.

> 50 cents more an hour, job security, and someone to invent a

fat-free rice cake that doesn't taste like crap.

> "Casual Sex Fridays"

> Half day off any time the Top 5 List mentions the word "penis."

> Just for fun, every tenth car gets an inflatable doll in place

of the air bag.

and Top5's Number 1 Little Known GM Labor Union Request...

1> More hugs, dammit!

Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire

--------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base

of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more

wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

_________________________________________________________

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT HEALTH CARE

WHAT DOES HMO STAND FOR?

This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its

roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who

discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the

pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech

equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the

result remains the same.

DO ALL DIAGNOSTIC PROCEDURES REQUIRE PRE-CERTIFICATION?

No. Only those you need.

I JUST JOINED A NEW HMO. HOW DIFFICULT WILL IT BE TO

CHOOSE THE DOCTOR I WANT?

Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your

insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors

who were participating in the plan at the time the information

was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories

-- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those

who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't

worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and

accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive

away!

WHAT ARE PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS?

This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when

they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we

appear to be pre-stuck with it.

WELL, CAN I GET COVERAGE FOR MY PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS?

Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

WHAT HAPPENS IF I WANT TO TRY ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF MEDICINE?

You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

MY PHARMACY PLAN ONLY COVERS GENERIC DRUGS, BUT I NEED

THE NAME BRAND. I TRIED THE GENERIC MEDICATION, BUT IT GAVE

ME A STOMACH ACHE. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Poke yourself in the eye, Porcupine.

I HAVE AN 80/20 PLAN WITH A $200 DEDUCTIBLE AND A $2,000

YEARLY CAP. MY INSURER REIMBURSED THE DOCTOR FOR MY

OUT-PATIENT SURGERY, BUT I'D ALREADY PAID MY BILL. WHAT

SHOULD I DO?

You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement

check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for

you in one of those great offers that only doctors and

dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I GET SICK WHILE TRAVELING?

Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

NO, I MEAN WHAT IF I'M AWAY FROM HOME AND I GET SICK?

You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing

your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you

return, and then get sick.

I THINK I NEED TO SEE A SPECIALIST, BUT MY DOCTOR INSISTS

HE CAN HANDLE MY PROBLEM. CAN A GENERAL PRACTITIONER

REALLY PERFORM A HEART TRANSPLANT RIGHT IN HIS OFFICE?

Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the

$10 co-payment, why not give it a shot?

WHAT ACCOUNTS FOR THE LARGEST PORTION OF HEALTH CARE

COSTS?

Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

WILL HEALTH CARE BE ANY DIFFERENT IN THE NEXT CENTURY?

No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by

then.

You might be from Michigan if....

1. You have ever been sunburned and frostbitten in the

same week.

2. You point to a spot on the palm of your right hand when telling people

where you're from.

3. You can explain the difference between yoopers,

trolls and fudgies.

4. Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your

hometown.

5. You learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels came off your

bicycle.

6. You know that a place called Kalamazoo actually exists.

7. You know someone who was Asparagus Queen at a county fair.

8. Someone says "down south" and you think of Toledo.

9. Your family breaks into violence during the MSU/UM football game.

10. You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

11. You had to recite "By the Shores of Gitchee-goomie" for your 7th grade

English Class.

12. You drive 80 mph on the freeway and always pass on the right.

13. The trees in your yard have spigots.

15. You have as many Canadian coins in your pocket as American.

16. Coast-to-coast means Port Huron to Muskegon.

17. You know how to play Euchre.

18. You are not fazed by a traffic sign saying "Snowmobile Crossing."

19. You bake with "soda" and drink "pop."

20. You have no problem spelling names like Mackinac,Tahquamenon and

Ypsilanti.

21. The Big Three are either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little

Caesar's and Hungry Howie's.

22. You know that it's usually warmer in Hell than in Paradise.

23. You go "up north" for the weekends.

24. Your child's ball game has ever been snowed out.

25. "Submarine" is a sandwich and "Big Mac" is a bridge.

26. You used to believe Ernie Harwell when he said that the fly ball that

went into the stands at Tiger Stadium was caught by a man from Warren.

27. You don't have coughing fit after a sip of Vernors.

28. You know all the lyrics to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

29. You visit Florida and are frustrated because the newspapers there don't

report hockey scores.

30. You refer to Kalamazoo, Ypsilanti and Ann Arbor as K-zoo, Ypsi- tuckey

and A-Squared.

31. You thought Alkaline batteries were named after a Detroit Tiger

outfielder.

32. You know all the lyrics to "Take This Job and Shove It."

33. You think that having clogged sinuses is normal.

>> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive

>>> lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll

of

>>> the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when

>>> I'm bottomless."

>>>

>>> With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while

>>> yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

>>>

>>> She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

"YES!

>>> I WIN! I WIN!"

>>>

>>> With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The

>>> dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

>>>

>>> Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

>>>

>>> The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching! >>

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bar tender says, "Hi

stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess

the

name of this bar in three tries."

The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?"

"Nope."

"Mike's Tavern?"

"No,"

"Mike's Pub?"

"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's

name

is Sally's Leggs!

"That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a

cop

pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there.

He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet

my

whistle!"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a

fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on

St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly

get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St.

Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let

me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they

really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we

also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "

What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest

up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find

a lawyer?"

Computer Haiku Sony has announced its own computer operating system, now

available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio.

Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's

Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said,

"We intend

to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has

been until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony.

For example; we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft

error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to

give examples of Sony's new error messages:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek

Cannot be located but

Countless more exist

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask way too much.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked

Today it is not working

Windows is like that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You bring fresh toner.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course

Of little worth is your ire

The network is down

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

One day in heaven,the Lord decided he would visit the earth and take a stroll.

Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying.

The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"

The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset.

The Lord touched the man and he could see and he was happy.

As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are you

crying, my son?"

The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk.

The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.

Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why

are you crying, my son?"

The man said, "Lord, I work for General Motors," and the Lord sat down and cried

with him.

> There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a

> fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head

> and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

>

> A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please

> find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover

> your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a

> pirate".

> The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his

> wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

>

> A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear

> Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long

> robe

> will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look

> the

> part".

> Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his

> wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a

> REALLY

> rude letter of complaint.

>

> The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear

> Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel

> over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a

> candied apple!"